Being alone this time made me feel really empty inside.
I am supposed to be stronger than this!
So many things in this complicated life made me feel like I am just some fool playin with my own feelings and emotion. So many things that I have done seems stupid and nonsense. I feel like a liar and maybe I am because I lied to so many people and about so many things, especially about my feelings.
Lying for too much made me feel really guilty and I hate it. I just hate it when I have to lie, pretending that I am happy when I am not, saying things that I don’t really mean and doing things I don’t want to do. I have been trying forever to be strong enough to stand up for myself but at the end of the day I’ll end up pretending, lying. Life is so confusing and complicated lately and there are so many things that are running through my mind and I am so sick of it. I want to fly lightly, to live freely but things are getting more and more complicated each day. I am desperately in need of a friend who understands. A friend who will patiently and generously lend her ears to listen to my crying soul.
It has been almost 21 years.
20 years of fears, tears and misery and frustration. 20 years of almost lifeless life. It was really a rough journey and I know it will get tougher. I used to say that I really hate this life, I really hate being me. The miserable me. The hopeless old me. I hated my life for not being beautiful and wonderful just like the life of any other girl I know. I hated my life so much I wished I were someone else. But the hatred never changed anything and the frustration never did me any good.
I am living a very unhappy life. I hate to admit it but it is so true.
Life, I don't know why my life is so, so complicated.
And I don't know what it has for me in the store, next.
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